Back to the Start
by Yellowtail555
Summary: "Wasn't it love when someone held you and promised you the world?" You realize that you don't know what love is but that this boy is Lorcan Scamander and that has to count for something. Lucy and Lorcan and love... or not.


_For a fic exchange on HPFC, this is for forgotten timelords. I tried to use all the prompts but I didn't work in 'bath' so I hope that's okay. Anyway, it was fun to write this and I hope you enjoy. It's supposed to be LucyxLorcan in my head but you can really see LorcanxAnyone, probably, because it doesn't ever specifically state who the narrator is._

You thought you knew what love was when you were thirteen but you were wrong.

Wasn't it love when someone held you and promised you the world?

Wasn't it love when he told you that you were different than everyone else? Especially when you'd never been different before and you didn't know it was possible for someone like you to be anything more than 'one of the group'.

You thought you liked being part of the mass but really, it was nice to be individual.

And you could talk to him like you'd never been able to talk to anyone else before. He never judged you (but maybe he did and you just didn't know. He was _Lorcan Scamander_, after all, and he was _talked about_)

You thought you loved him when you were thirteen but that was before it got complicated.

-:-

And then you turned fourteen and it started getting confusing.

There were other girls. You hadn't know that when you were thirteen (oh so naïve, convinced that everyone wanted you to be happy). But then your family started falling apart and you had to keep your head up high and smile lots and ace classes and when everything's so confusing, one thing should stay constant. You thought that thing could be Lorcan but you were wrong.

So you kept acing tests and you still smiled but now you watched the girls that surrounded him more carefully.

You should have known. He was a Slytherin and it wasn't like he was forbidden, he was the son of Luna, after all, and used to play with Rose when you all were little. But he was a player and he drank and smoked and people like that don't end up with people like you.

They don't end up with dreamers or good girls, the sort that turn in everything in on time and watch sunrises and smile through their family's problems.

-:-

At age fifteen, you knew it was over before he said a word.

You were still a little gullible and there was still a trace of the child you used to be. You still doodled love hearts in the corner of your papers and still smiled even though everything was broken and you liked to dance and sing and you still rather loved him.

He was the one to break it off.

You wished it could have been you who said it wasn't working but it was him because you still clung onto the hope that he wouldn't leave and that it would all work itself out in the end like the muggle books you read lead you to believe.

It didn't.

He broke it off the day before winter break.

-:-

He was a seventh year at that point and you were a fifth year and you knew this was probably the last time you'd ever see him, so once you got back from winter break you cornered him in the hall and kissed him.

His breath smelled like olives because his family had been to Italy, _together,_ and that made you cry because your family never went anywhere together anymore.

He got back together with you on the spot. Sometimes you wondered, thinking back on it, if maybe your tears reminded him of when you were thirteen and he was fifteen and it worked flawlessly.

Maybe he got back with you because he thought it might be like that again.

It seemed like all you were doing now was hoping it would go back to the start. Maybe because now it was hard to keep going and back then it was easy.

-:-

The last day of his seventh year, you planned a romantic dinner for two on the edge of the Forbidden Forest and waited for him. He never showed and you cried.

You couldn't cry for yourself because he'd never loved you, you knew that now. And you refused to cry for him because he didn't deserve it and besides, that's so cliché. So you cried for your family who you barely seemed to recognize nowadays.

The family that always used to love you, even if you felt like an outsider amongst them, like a third wheel. And that was when you decided you were going to fix them. Because _they_ deserved it.

You skipped Lorcan's graduation and curled up in the Ravenclaw common room with a quill and an idea. You didn't know that he looked for you in the crowd. You didn't know that he regretted letting you go. And even if you did know, you wouldn't have cared.

-:-

You pushed him away for seven years of your life and refused to let him affect you in any way.

That was before you found an old picture of the two of you. You swear you didn't cry about it (but you did, shh- don't tell anyone)

You're stronger now but he's still Lorcan.

And you say that you don't miss him, because you don't. You miss his broken kisses and his laugh and how you used to feel with him.

This was a relationship best preserved at age thirteen, and you know that, but he's Lorcan, and that's a bit hard to miss.

He intrigues you as he does so many other girls and you can't stop thinking about him.

It's probably not a good relationship to get back into, but can you help what you feel?

You stop yourself from meeting him at the last moment and it's a choice you regret your whole life, although you never do go find him again so you must not regret it that much.


End file.
